Rick Mercer Fired As Anchorman On His Own Show

The Rick Mercer Report announced today that they are replacing Rick Mercer as the anchor man on the popular CBC show.  One of the show's producer who wished to remain anonymous said that news portion of the show was so weak that it was having an adverse effect on the ratings.

Mercer to be replaced on "weak" news show.

Wishing to only to be referred as "R", he said, "The news portion was so bad that we had to make new and brighter "Laugh" signs so that the audience could properly clue in. They even got a nasty electric shock if they didn't laugh. Even the laugh track was confused, often giggling in the wrong places as well as being stone silent where the punchlines appeared."  "R" goes on to complain that the set, which the CBC bought on sale from "Star Trek: The Next Generation", did not help the mood in receiving the badly written news material.  " I think it was a mistake that the CBC bought that set from Star Trek.  It looks like a Klingon might appear any minute in the middle of Mercer's news cast. I think the news might have been saved if Mercer ended his report with a hearty "Qapla!!!" followed by him eating live wormy Klingon food."

Mercer as expected, could not be reached for comment although it was rumoured that he may be incorporating his angered response into his popular weekly walking rant. It is not clear when the new anchorman would brought in to replace Mercer.  It was also unclear whether the replacement would then have his or her name shared with Mercer on the show's title.

"Expresso With Vito" Star Has Wardrobe Malfunction

Vito Cazzolungo, star of "Expresso With Vito" was given a warning today in a Toronto public park today for parading around in an unsecured bathrobe.  Mr. Cazzolungo was in the middle of a very angry political rant, when he experienced a wardrobe malfunction that left the public seeing a little too much.
Police constable Alan Minkey was on patrol nearby when he noticed something amiss and moved in to issue the warning.
As the alleged perpetrator received his ticketed warning, he began screaming that Prime Minister Steven Harper was out to get him for filming his anti-government rants.  A spokesman for the Harper government who did not wish to be named commented, "We don't know who he is but we have several penitentiaries built where he can feel comfortable to wear his robe wherever he wishes.  The frontal opening of the robe will not be a problem."
Cazzolungo's major sponsor "Bed, Bath & Linen" have gone on record to say they will now cease to represent him in light of this incident.  Mel Lastman of Bad Boy (Cazzolungo's other sponsor) has refused to comment at this time.

Elizabeth May Infiltrates Liberal Fortress

The Liberal Team with a mystery member.

Justin Trudeau’s security team is at a loss to understand how Green Party leader Elizabeth May was able to join the Liberal team in a political quiz game “The Great Canadian Brain Team”. Trudeau’s security officer Russ Slipton was unable to explain how a non-Liberal managed to jump the stage and join Trudeau and his team without security being alerted.
“I was only on my second donut and coffee so she must have timed it quite well. Those extreme Lefties will do that to you. They probably planned this sting operation for weeks,” explained Shipton. “Rest assured that if she pulls this again, we will be ready with the cuffs and tasers.”
Trudeau was cordial and chalked up the unexpected visit to a mix-up. “I am happy to have people jump aboard our bandwagon but would prefer they join the Liberal Party first.” When asked whether they discussed anything of significance, Trudeau responded, “She was very chatty and pleasant. We talked about my father and she mentioned something about being owed a seat in the Senate.” Trudeau then shrugged to signify he had no clue about what that meant.
Slipton summarized the whole experience. “Looking at that photo, yeah, we really screwed that up. All you had to do was notice the one person not in Liberal red. A quick round of singing Sesame Street’s “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other” would have helped our cause immensely.”